Feeling the (complete lack of) heat

(By Erik)

I’m sitting here in my rather cold office. Since the students (and some of the professors) have gone home for the holidays, the heat is off here in the Bible building. We have space heaters, but mine blew a fuse in my office. So I'm picking blogging over heat right now.

We were warned about this early last week, and it reminds me of an e-mail conversation that floated around the Bible building among the faculty and staff. I kept a transcript and am reprinting it here.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent — namely me, since none of the Bible faculty knows I’m doing this.

It started when a staff member, “Victoria Walters,” informed us that the heat would be off during part of the holiday break.

Bob Plumber: “So, does this qualify as ‘news hot off the press’ (or as ‘hot news for the press,’ at least as it applies to the folks at the Chronicle)?

Chet Kiwi: “Let’s just have a heated debate about that question, Bob. I’m betting that comment will receive a cold reception, though.”

Curtis Nikon: “I think this is what happens when we send our degreed professors to a national convection. As Origen said in his work against Celsius, ‘Send me a thermos stat.’”

Bob Plumber: “Oh, boy, this is really starting to snowball now! I just hope the conversation doesn’t drift off into absurdity! But then, considering some of the flakes who have been weighing in so far …”

Curtis Nikon: “Bob (Sled) Plumber, I hope you are not wishing to precipitate a host of cool replies from your colleagues. There’ snow ay I would respond in kind. Ice rink from such pedantry, from being puerile as the driven snow. You get no icy retort from me, my friend. As Descartes said, ‘I thawed, therefore I am.’ De-luged with these silly e-mails, I’ll-pine for the good old days when every Jane norDick felt any compulsion to respond to every single missive received. Let sleeping dog sleigh.”

Victoria Walters: “As our colleague Richard Poe so wisely said, ‘Cool it.’”

Curtis Nikon: “Alas, we will always have the Poe among us.”

Chet Kiwi: “If you can’t take the heat …”

Cline Antwerp: "My esteemed colleagues, if you were in Australia at this time (as we are), where summer is just beginning (104 degrees yesterday), this silly discussion would have never taken place. Festus was right, 'Your great learning is driving you insane.'"

Homer Shankson: "Insanity may explain some of what’s going on."

Bosworth Floss: “We’re feeling the heat here at the Chronicle as it’s deadline week. Please put the discussion on ice as we’ve got our feet to the fire. And, by the way, thanks for the laughs. With warmest regards ...”

That effectively ended the conversation (Bosworth can be such a killjoy.)