Dirty Dancing with the stars, but not really, because I never saw that film all the way through

(By Erik)

I thought one or two of you might enjoy my latest movie review for Netflix. The film: The 1984 classic Red Dawn starring a young Patrick Swayze, an equally young Charlie Sheen, an incredibly young Jennifer Grey and a C. Thomas Howell so young that he actually hadn’t been born yet.

Here’s the Netflix synopsis:

A group of high schoolers witnesses Soviet and Cuban paratroopers descending on their small Colorado town, setting off World War III. The teens -- led by Jed Eckert (Swayze) -- take food and whatever weapons they can find and hightail it into the hills to wait things out. But with the communist invaders on their trail, Jed and his young compatriots decide to launch a guerilla campaign and strike back.

And here’s my review:

Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey — together again for the first time. Yes indeed, these two star-crossed lovers are in for some “Havana Nights” as a ruthless group of Cubans and Russians invades the mainland U.S.A.!

They planned every detail — left nothing to chance. But they didn’t count on the high school football team! Go Wolverines! Fight the Red Army! Destroy communism! Beat Westside! Win state!

THIS is the film that “Dirty Dancing” should have been. Big drama, big romance, and big explosions! Just imagine Johnny Castle saying, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner,” then whipping out his Uzi and exchanging gunfire with an enraged Jerry Orbach.

And then Sam Waterston runs in and prosecutes everybody, yelling, “And why don’t we throw out the entire Constitution, Arthur!”

(It goes on like that for several more paragraphs, but I’ll spare you. It all ends about the time that Whoopi Goldburg walks in and says “You in danger, girl!”)