Why I can never work at Steak N' Shake

(By Erik)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir, welcome to Steak N’ Shake. My name is Erik and I’ll be your server.”

Customer: “Yeah, I’ll have the chicken sandwich with the platter special …”

Me: “You don’t want that.”

Customer: Excuse me?

Me: You don’t want that. It’s chicken.

Customer: And why wouldn’t I want that?

Me: What’s it say on the door?

Customer: Huh?

Me: What’s the name of this place — on the door?

Customer: Steak N’ Shake?

Me: Does it say “Chicken N’ Shake?”

Customer: No.

Me: So what are you doing ordering chicken?

Customer: I guess I just wanted a chicken sandwich.

Me: So go to Chick-fil-a. Y’see, they actually have “Chicken” in their name. And their grilled chicken sandwich is delicious.

Customer: And yours isn’t?

Me: I dunno. Never tried it. You don’t come to Steak N’ Shake and eat chicken. It’s like going to Earl’s Rib Palace and ordering a grilled cheese. It’s crazy.

Customer: (sighing) OK, fine, I’ll have a hamburger.

Me: Steakburger.

Customer: Yeah, whatever.

Me: (teeth gritted) Saaaay it!

Customer: Alright, I want a STEAK-burger.

Me: Great. What kind?

Customer: I dunno. Maybe a double with cheese and …

Me: You don’t want that.

Customer: Huh? Why not?

Me: Well, I mean, if you’re getting a steakburger, you might as well get one of the melts. May I suggest the Frisco?

Customer: This one here? Let’s see … yeah, that’s fine.

Me: Great

Customer: Oh, wait. I don’t want that Frisco sauce on it.

Me: Excuse me?

Customer: This says it has something called Frisco sauce. I don’t want that. Maybe just a side of mayonnaise instead.

Me: Dude, you can’t do that!

Customer: Why not?

Me: Cause it’s not a Frisco melt without the Frisco sauce! It’s the sauce that makes it what it is. It’s perfect the way it is. You don’t mess with a classic. You don’t buy a Porsche and stick a giant Chevrolet sticker on it — or slather it in mayo. If that’s the kind of guy you are, just go straight over to Carl’s Jr.

Manager: I’m sorry sir, would you excuse us a moment.

Customer: Of course

Manager: This is the third time today, Erik. You can’t keep doing this.

Me: Well, it’s not my fault that these guys don’t know how to order.

Manager: I don’t think this is working out. Please turn in your apron and Steak N’ Shake hat, please.

Me: No, you can’t do this! I quit my job for this! I’ll pay you to let me work here. Please!

Manager: Let’s not make a scene, now.

Me: No, I have to be near the Frisco melts. I’ll wither and die without them!

Manager: Alright, alright, you can keep the hat.

Me: Excellent! Thanks.