Petition to promote Jerry Lamb to "planet"

(By Erik, with assistance from Jerry Lamb)

As most of you know, the International Astronomical Union yesterday downgraded Pluto to the status of “dwarf planet.”

This diminutive (and, in my opinion, pejorative) classification no longer entitles Pluto to be recognized as a planet, putting it on the level of a glorified asteroid.


No longer can it get 20 percent off of its order at “Planet Sub,” nor will it be eligible for free parking at Planet Hollywood. And John Gray has been forced to rename his bestselling book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, But Nobody’s From Pluto Because It’s Not Even A Planet.

We also understand that during this weekend’s Emmy Awards’ after-party Pluto has been “downgraded” from the table with Garry Shandling to the table with Gary Busey.

In light of these developments, we’d like to petition the IAU to upgrade the status of Christian Chronicle advertising manager Jerry Lamb from “non-planet” to “planet.”


(This is Jerry's actual work ID photo — and further proof that he deserves to be his own planet.)

On top of being a world-renowned “swell guy,” we feel that Jerry meets all of the criteria for being a planet.

According to the IAU, a planet is a celestial body that:

1. … is in orbit around the Sun

No problem. Jerry claims that, with few exceptions, he’s been revolving around the sun for years.

2. … has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape.

Jerry has dedicated much of his life to overcoming rigid body forces — the very forces that force most of us to take actions deemed “societally appropriate.” Jerry said that he also had his hydrostatic equilibrium checked recently, and it’s well within “round” parameters. (Although his cholesterol is trending high.)

3. … has cleared its orbital path

Jerry’s done a great job of this. There are plenty of people who refuse to go anywhere near him. He once ran a fellow motorist off the road for incorrectly using her turn signal. Jerry, who is consulting with me as I type this, added, “Yeah, I’ve got a ‘clear orbital path’ — thanks to fiber.” That’s precisely the type of comment that demonstrates why other potential planets steer clear of him.


Please take a few moments to sign this petition by leaving your name (and blood type — optional) in the comment section of this post. Let’s all show our support for Jerry so that he might finally attain the “planet-sized” recognition he so richly deserves.